Q Hello Auntie Pearl. A short while after we got hitched, my wife found out she was adopted. It was a real shock to her.
Her birth ma was just 15 years old when she had her, and it wasn’t exactly a happy situation, obviously.
It took her nine long years of counselling before she felt okay to have our own kids.
Her adoptive parents passed away when our laaities were still small, and my wife died when our kids were in high school. Auntie, I miss her like crazy every day.
Of course, it’s tough on the kids as well, because they have no mommy and no grandparents.
But here’s my problem: My 20-year-old daughter is dik nuuskierig about her mother’s biological roots, you know? Her friends have been pushing her to dig deeper because they were checking videos of ancestry tests on social media or something.
I’ve been keeping the truth from my kids because my wife asked me not to reveal anything to them.
I told my daughter that her ma didn’t want her to uncover her past, and she should respect her wishes.
But she got angry and told me that she has the right to know where she comes from.
Auntie, what should I do now? My daughter can be hardkoppig, but she’s a good kid. I don’t want her to suffer like her ma did.
From Concerned Dad
A My dear, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. Life can really be dark sometimes, but to Auntie you sound like a real light.
First things first, take a deep breath and try to understand where your daughter is coming from. It’s natural for her to be curious about her roots, especially with all these ancestry tests and the influence of her friends.
She’s just trying to piece together a part of her identity that seems a bit hazy. You say she is a curious laaitie, so her desire to uncover her background is understandable.
Now, I know you promised your late wife that you'd keep the past buried, but here’s the thing: secrets have a funny way of coming out eventually.
Auntie has always found that it’s better to face these matters head-on rather than let them simmer in the background, causing more pain down the line.
So, my advice would be to have an open and honest conversation with your daughter. Share your late wife’s story, explain the reasons why she wanted to keep it all hidden and express your concerns about her potentially experiencing the same pain.
But also, listen to your daughter’s feelings and validate her curiosity. It’s important to let her know that you understand why she wants to know about her roots and where she comes from. Empathy and communication are key here, my dear.
It’s still going to be crucial to set some boundaries and establish a healthy balance.
Encourage her to explore her roots while also emphasising the importance of cherishing the memories and legacy her late mother left behind. Remind her that family isn’t just about blood ties but also the love and connections forged throughout the years.
In the end, bokkie, it’s about finding a middle ground where both your daughter’s curiosity and your late wife’s wishes can co-exist.
Life is a delicate dance, and we must navigate it with grace, understanding, and compassion.
Oh, and don’t forget to offer your unwavering support and love throughout this process.
The journey of self-discovery can be bumpy, but with a caring father like you by her side, I’m sure your daughter will find her way.
dailyvoice@inl.co.za