Q: Auntie, need your advice here.
This whole thing goes back all the way to when I was laaitie. My dad was a joller, so my parents’ marriage didn’t work out.
As a teenager I didn’t like the vibe in our house so I spent a lot of time with the family across the road. They had two children who were also at school with me. “T” was the eldest and we are the same age, and his brother “B” is a few years younger.
Back in the day, there was a time when I had a bit of a thing with T, but we were young and it was just fooling around.
Unfortunately, he died in an accident.
Anyway, after school I moved around a lot for work and I lost contact with the family. Now it’s been almost 15 years and I am back in town, and I decided to check out what’s going on with them.
Auntie, toe ek vir B sien toe skip my hart ’n beat!
That young outjie who was just a friend back in the day now looks just like his older brother.
We immediately got along great. Maybe too great, because there’s definitely a warme vibe between us.
What must I do? He wants to go on a date. Maar is dit nie bietjie weird nie? He reminds me so much of his brother. And he is nogal a bit younger than me.
What do you think, Auntie?
– From Brother Lover.
A: Jinne meisie, this sounds like a plotline from The Bold and the Beautiful.
You, falling for your dead ex’s brother a decade and half later… dis nou vir jou ‘n ding!
But Auntie understands, the heart wants what the heart wants. So let’s talk this through.
First things first, let's address the elephants in the room: the age difference and B’s uncanny resemblance to John.
It's natural to feel a bit of a skok seeing someone who reminds you so much of a past love, especially under such tragic circumstances. And sure, there might be some age-related differences in where you both are in life.
But here's the thing, people grow and mature at different rates, and sometimes, younger souls have been shaped by experiences that give them wisdom beyond their years.
Honey, it’s been a decade and a half, so neither of the above should be a real problem unless you make it one.
So as for giving this a chance, why not? Life is too short to wonder “what if”.
This mos isn't about replacing T or disrespecting his memory – it's about two people who share a unique bond and history, finding a connection that might be worth exploring.
Go out with B, see if the chemistry feels right. Maybe you’ll discover a wonderful companion in him, or maybe you’ll find that you’re better suited as friends.
Either way, you won’t know until you give it a chance.
Approach this date like any other: Keep an open mind, see how you feel in his company, and let your heart guide you.
Q: Hi Auntie Pearl, quick question: Do you think I screwed up by sleeping with him on the first date?
Let me give some context: I’m in my late 30s, I have a job, I have never been married, and I don’t have kids.
I’m pretty social, and I like a good time… so I get physical with a man pretty fast too.
That said, I’m not a one-night stand type of girl who just drops her panties for any man who gives me a bit of attention. I just mean I’m not like having to wait until things are super serious and all that.
Now we’re back to the latest gedoente.
It happened with an old friend who I recently reconnected with. We haven't seen each other in a couple of years, but got chatting online and decided to go out for drinks.
One thing led to another, and we ended up spending the night together. It was amazing, not gonna lie, and totally unexpected, but I don’t regret it.
Now, here's where it gets sticky. We’ve seen each other a few times last week, mostly it’s been physical, although we did go out once for drinks and dancing.
And here comes the gemors: He previously mentioned he is not the kind of guy to waste his time just hooking up. But there was a night a while ago when we got down and dirty, and I tuned him that he is the perfect “friend with benefits”.
The thing is, now I’m starting to think I’m catching feels for him…
Auntie, what is going on? Am I wasting his time? Am I just a jol? Could there be something more here?
I don’t know where to move with this thing. Did we mess it up by getting physical so soon?
I think I am hoping for a future with him, but I'm not sure he’s on the same page. Auntie, I need some of that no-nonsense advice. What do you think?
– From Emma
A: Shame Em, jy klink vir Auntie lekker confused about the situation. So as you requested, Auntie is going to give it to you straight, because sugar coating isn’t going to serve anyone here.
You’re a grown woman not a teenager. It’s time to tackle these tricky feelings with some mature, grown-up conversation.
What is more scary: finding out exactly where you stand, or floating in this limbo, forever guessing?
So if you want to know if he is on the same page, just ask!
Next time you’re together, take a deep breath and tell him something like: “You know how I mentioned being ‘friends with benefits’? I said that because I was scared that's all you wanted. But the truth is, as we’ve spent more time together, I’ve started feeling something deeper. I’m wondering, do you feel the same?”
Yes, putting your feelings out there is a risk. You might get hurt. But my dear, if he’s not on the same page, wouldn’t you rather know now than waste more time? And if he does feel the same, well then, you might just be starting something wonderful.
Remember, if you don’t speak up, you could end up missing out on something great, or worse, getting more entangled and hurt if things don’t pan out later.
You’re a strong, independent woman. You can handle this chat. Either way, you’ll know where you stand, and that’s far better than any uncertainty.
** Talk to pear: SMS “Pearl” and your message to 33258, or email dearauntiepearl@gmail.com.